Turns out it's not always a good thing to visit a health service with more money than it needs.

It seems that if you go to the doctor in Switzerland and suggest that you think you have some nasty strain of flu, they will indeed diagnose "some nasty strain of flu (sic)" and send you home with NO MEDICINAL REMEDY, but not before they've admitted you to hospital, given you two saline drips because when asked how much water you'd drunk that day, you flippantly replied "probably not enough", run a full set of bloods, taken chest x-rays, and run a EKG.There was talk of a CT scan because I mentioned that my symptoms included a headache.

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• "Oh Danny Boy" should always be sung in a resounding baritone. If your chin isn't touching your chest, you're not giving it enough welly.

• Contrary to what the other four families think, it is perfectly possible to reach Cornwall by lunchtime.

• It's not just a piece of driftwood, it's a time, or a place. It's somebody's big day. It's a day out on the boat with your friends, who feel younger with the smell of salt in their hair.

• Groups of men are generally eager to demonstrate their superior general knowledge by raising the volume of their voice. You can afford to speak quietly though, if you're the one who actually understands what goes on at the CERN nuclear physics centre.

• Childhood is generally better if your dad isn't the only one you know with a big moustache.

• If you grow up thinking that someone is just about the cleverest person you know, when they tell you that they are impressed with the adult you have become, you glow with pride.

We all loved you Keith, and you will be missed.  

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In Switzerland it is traditional on the Epiphany to go round your house blessing it for the new year, finishing with the symbols C+M+B written above your front door.

As with all the other Catholic holy days which run the risk of passing by unmarked by Zoe and Bruno, Bruno's mother dutifully brought us the necessary holy incense and some chalk. With the incense came a little leaflet explaining how to go around your house, what to say etc, which somebody had thoughtfully brightened up by adding a drawing of the three wise men at the top.

"I'd better not forget to make one of them a black man!" thought the artist. "Not in this day and age of multicultural Switzerland! If it's good enough for the renaissance artists, it's good enough for Village Bruno!"

So he drew a golliwog.

Three kings

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Dear Friend,

It was really lovely to have you visit for the evening. We hadn't seen you for lord knows how long, and it was great to catch up. We really are glad that you got in touch because you were going to be in the area. All good things must come to an end, however, and with that in mind, I would like to respectfully fill you in on some of the clues as to when that end has come. I realise that as a host, it is my role to make you feel welcome however long you stay, and I apologise that I was not able to keep this up until the bitter end. But seriously my dear friend, here are some tips for next time you are a guest.

1. Once your hosts start talking about their plans for bed, it is time to leave.

2. If your hosts have fed their baby THREE TIMES while you are there, you have been there too long.

3. If your host goes to put the baby down, and then her husband has to go and get her because she has fallen asleep on the rocking chair, it is time to leave.

4. If your hosts start reminding you of the time with "only XX hours to go until the night feed", it is time to leave.

5. If you are talking, and BOTH OF YOUR HOSTS ARE LISTENING WITH THEIR HEADS RESTING ON THE TABLE, it is time to leave.

Again, apologies if my stamina as a host meant that these subtle signs of fatigue slipped out, but then, I have the feeling that they didn't strike you too deeply.

In happy anticipation of your next visit,

I am as always, your willing host. xx

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"I don't know about all these mothers who claim they don't have time to eat properly with a small baby. You won't catch me falling into that trap. I'm going to fill my fridge with bite sized cherry tomatoes and grapes and make up delicious banana smoothies which I can sip on with one hand while engaging little Toby in developmental play."

What did I have for lunch today? A packet of crisps.

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Occasionally something happens which makes you realise just how culturally foreign your country of residence really is. The following would never, ever happen in Switzerland.

Heard on the Today Programme: "And the weather. The North will be a wee bit wet, and the whole of England will be quite chilly."

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What the books say you should do:

"Chat constantly with your baby. Perhaps give a commentary to everything that you do together! Such interaction will promote socialization and language aquisition!"

What you probably shouldn't do:

Think that reading the Sunday Times out loud constitutes a 'two birds with one stone' strategy. Likewise Radio 4.

What the books say:

"Share special high contrast picture books with your baby. Watch his face as he reacts with interest!"

What you probably shouldn't do:

Prop a baby book against the side of the cot to assuage your guilt that your baby is awake and alert in the morning several hours before you are.

The books advise:

"Learn to differentiate between your baby's different cries. Is he hungry? Tired? Crying is your baby's way of communicating without words!"

You probably shouldn't:

Learn to recognise the particular wimper which translates as "I'm hungry, but you've got at least ten minutes more in bed before I get really distressed."

The books say you should:

"Establish a relaxing bedtime routine. A bath, pyjamas, perhaps a few lullabies, before placing baby quietly to sleep in is cot."

They dont tell you to:

Come home from work and instantly swoop a soundly sleeping baby from his crib, insisting that the few grunts and wimpers you heard mean he is distressed and in urgent need of some "Daddy time".

 The books say:

"Lie baby in his cot when he is drowsy but awake, thus encouraging him to learn to self soothe. Enjoy a relaxing evening with your partner!"

Thus it is no doubt terrible to:

Continue to keep your baby on the sofa with you long after he has fallen asleep, because you just don't want to stop holding him in your arms and watching him sleep. The parenting books forgot to mention that bit.

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Zoe:

'Well good morning my little sugarpuff.'

'There there, don't cry honey pot.'

'Hello sweetpea!'

Bruno:

'Hello little Cornish pastie!'

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Paediatrician: 'It's nothing to worry about, that's a typical newborn rash. I'd just leave it to clear up on it's own. No need to apply any creams or anything.'

Z: 'That's what I thought. I haven't been putting anything on it, I thought that would probably just make it worse.'

Paed: 'That's right! You see! That's the maternal instinct right there! You instinctively knew what was the best way to treat your child. It never ceases to amaze me. '

-------

Later: 'Bruno, do you think we should be concerned that our paediatrician doesn't appear to know about Google?'

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Heard in my house earlier this week:

"You know, I'd enjoy watching Children in Need if it wasn't for all those video clips of needy children."

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