Hostess with the mostess

Dear Friend,

It was really lovely to have you visit for the evening. We hadn't seen you for lord knows how long, and it was great to catch up. We really are glad that you got in touch because you were going to be in the area. All good things must come to an end, however, and with that in mind, I would like to respectfully fill you in on some of the clues as to when that end has come. I realise that as a host, it is my role to make you feel welcome however long you stay, and I apologise that I was not able to keep this up until the bitter end. But seriously my dear friend, here are some tips for next time you are a guest.

1. Once your hosts start talking about their plans for bed, it is time to leave.

2. If your hosts have fed their baby THREE TIMES while you are there, you have been there too long.

3. If your host goes to put the baby down, and then her husband has to go and get her because she has fallen asleep on the rocking chair, it is time to leave.

4. If your hosts start reminding you of the time with "only XX hours to go until the night feed", it is time to leave.

5. If you are talking, and BOTH OF YOUR HOSTS ARE LISTENING WITH THEIR HEADS RESTING ON THE TABLE, it is time to leave.

Again, apologies if my stamina as a host meant that these subtle signs of fatigue slipped out, but then, I have the feeling that they didn't strike you too deeply.

In happy anticipation of your next visit,

I am as always, your willing host. xx